Those were not just handwritten letters anymore. It was my breathing space. Clutching it closer to my chest, we travelled to pay our last respects to everything I longed for, Subash. An air of wistfulness, unreality, whys and hows engulfed my atmosphere. Keerthana sat right next to me, being the best friend I could ever ask for. With warmth in her eyes, she said, “Look, it is raining. They say that if it rains during a funeral it means the departed souls are trying to reach you to console you.” Her soothing words gave me the strength to not only endure the rest of the journey but also the journey of life.
The days followed witnessed little showers now and then. Back at my home, I recollected how much Subash enjoyed getting drenched in rain. He relished kicking the ball in the puddle of rainwater, meandering in his scooter until the sky appeared clear or just posing in the rain to add to his collections. There were times when it would start raining, whenever I missed him the most. Slowly, I started finding solace in it. I couldn’t keep this newly found joy to myself, I shared it with others whenever the conversation led to it. Ron, Vino, Chandru tagged along.
Few days later after all the rituals and the return of the loved ones to their homes, I spent time alone with Subash’s Appa. We spoke about Subash and Amma for hours and hours. Time sure flew when we talked about them and the more we talked, the more it made us feel better. In midst of our heart-to-heart conversation, I told Appa about how I found comfort in the rain. Instantly, he narrated an incident where Subash and Amma spent time enjoying the drizzle in the terrace few days back. After a while, we were set to visit Subash’s uncle. Appa took his car out. To our dismay, one of the tyres of the car was punctured. So we decided to go by scooter. That was our first ride. I imagined how happy Subash would have been seeing this sight. He had invited me zillion times over to his house. And finally, I not only visited but also bonded with Appa. As we approached the destination, little droplets of rain fell down from the sky. In no time, it picked up pace. We did not pull over. We knew what it meant. We stopped our conversation, fell in silence and soaked up every moment of it.
It was in Chennai that Subash and I met occasionally. Every time I travelled to Chennai, we both would be delighted to spend time with each other. This time I had to live in the memories. So after completing the purpose of my visit, I decided to walk down the memory lane. At first, I went to the defence coaching institute where Subash’s photos in OG uniform were put up on the wall, I clicked pictures of those and then I boarded a train to Nugambakkam railway station, the place where we first met. A worried cousin rang up to inform me about the rainy weather at certain places of Chennai and asked me to be safe. That lit my face. As I stepped down from the train I noticed the wet platform. I was not blown away. Walking to the spot, I played the entire scene in my head. This was the second time I was there after 5 long years. Then Lalith took me to the colony where Subash used to stay during his college days. I went to the terrace of the apartment where once we played badminton only to drop the shuttlecock down from three floors onto the ground. As I reminisced, it started to rain. Looking at the sky, I planted a kiss. Then we visited other places — the Bougainvillea park, the pet shop, walked down the colony and met his other friends for dinner. Everybody was drenched. After a happy get-together and sumptuous food, I bid goodbye to them and boarded the bus with the contentment that I not only spent time with his friends but also Subash.
After Subash’s demise, I spent most of my time with this beautiful soul, Nausheen at my workplace. Even though she has not met him, she would be ready to spend hours listening about him whenever I poured my heart out to her. She revered him. Then the D-day arrived. She left to Banglore to attend an interview for a job which she was very passionate about. Unfortunately they turned her down citing inadequacy of documents. Sitting at the bus stand, she rang up to me and expressed her disappointment. I wished I was there with her. As I kept consoling her, she said, “Buddy, it is raining here. You know I feel better.” We still stand for each other no matter what.
The other day, Appa called me to unpack Subash’s luggage which arrived from Kargil. I was so prepared for this. I calmed myself down, took a deep breath and wanted to take it slow and savor every moment of it. Running my hands through his belongings, I could feel what Subash stood for, and how he embodied that till his last breath. As I was unpacking, I came across his diary. I couldn’t hold myself anymore. With no patience, I frantically turned the pages, wanting to hear more from him. I stumbled upon this.
That was plenty! He never disappoints me.
I had a complete meltdown that day. Nothing could console me other than Subash himself. The sun was up, shinning brightly like no other day. The previous day, Yitzhak informed me that two of Subash’s course-mates, Capt. Sonu and Capt. Bopaiah, from his training period would be paying a visit to his place the next day. So I got in touch with them. Rightly when I was overwhelmed with emotions, Sonu called me to enquire about the shortest route to reach Subash’s hometown. As I was explaining, he cut me short, saying “Could you speak louder? It’s raining here.” That meant something to me. It was also their first visit to his place.
There was just one day left for my birthday and it’s been six months since he left to heavenly abode. Last year, he messed up my birthday. He was on his way to commando course and he was in no mood to make my day special. So this time I demanded him to make it up for the last year. Even though my city was witnessing lightening every evening those past two weeks, there was no rain. Rightly, two hours before the clock struck twelve, the sky opened up. It melted my heart. I couldn’t thank him enough. I sat at the balcony and spent quite some time there. After an hour of downpour, the rain eased off. That was more than enough. I replied to my friends’ wishes and went to sleep with a sense of accomplishment. I woke up by six and checked my phone. A message read, “A heavydown pour from three ‘o’ clock. Finally!” When I opened the balcony door, the smell of rain welcomed me. It’s been raining for the past three hours. My day was just made.
And the journey continues.. To many more paper boats, wet clothes and smiles.
